Part 1 – 28/03/2017
How do you find your soul?
Some find their soul through God & religion, some find it by looking inwards and trying to figure out what truly matters to them.
Is the journey to finding your soul only an internal thing or does it involve everything that makes us who we are? Does it involve our values and morals? The people we choose to have around us? The way we dress and behave? Does anyone understand, truly understand that the way people find themselves is different.
I for one think our soul is everything, it embodies everything that makes us who we are. Why? Because it goes hand in hand. The way you dress, the people you choose to surround yourself with, the way you behave and react to the things around you links back to your soul.
What shapes your soul?
Your upbringing, the experiences you have had in life, people around you. The things you have consumed and chose to consume. So if you’re someone that has been through a lot of negative things in life, you may just wear more dark clothing because it represents your mood. Some may try to disguise and wear flashy clothes to hide how they feel inside but we all generally dress how we feel . So doesn’t soul and your identity (way you look) go hand in hand?
I have been through a stage of what I would call soul searching and I’m back in that mindset.
First time was when I started college, I was allowed to wear what I want due to the fact that there was no uniform and I took advantage of that. I made sure I went as crazy as I possibly could to find out what feels right to me. I had to release myself, let myself fly so then I would know where I wanted to land. People did look at me like ‘wow he must be gay’ and some embraced me, even my dad asked if I was gay (more on that). So do people understand?
Do people understand that ‘oh you’ve changed’ doesn’t mean I lost my way, maybe it means I’m trying to find what makes sense because the things around me don’t? Do people understand that we all go through different phases when we are trying to find ourselves? Some dress differently, some make completely new friends, some change the way they act, some pick up new habits and vices, it all differs.
The way we look is a massive part of how we think and behave, it shapes our soul, makes it more/less confident. ‘Your soul can grow or be destroyed depending on how you feed it’ – (Sorry I forgot who said this). So if I decide to take up gym for example, pierce my ear and try a different look, am I not trying to feed my soul and see how it responds?
My dad doesn’t seem to think like that (about the ear piercing), one of the first things he said was ‘are you gay’ and wow I am tired. Your values as a man and what you deem as the must have characteristics of a man isn’t what I think and I don’t have to think like you. I think some fathers are so stuck in their ways, trying to shape their sons like them that they don’t know when to let go.
I have a friend that pierced his ear, months later I saw him without it and he said it was a phase and he doesn’t want it anymore.
Soul searching completed.
I’m tryna find myself
I’m searching deep for Quam
These walls shouldn’t confine me
I need to look beyond this
Growth flows like water
I’ll just wait at the dock
And by the way
I don’t care much for your opinions
Imma find more light to shed
Running out of seeds
Tryna find deeper parts of me
The journey of self exploration never ends
Part 2 – 29/10/2024
‘You can keep the nose ring, I don’t have to soul search’ – Angels by Chance The Rapper. I heard that bar properly a few weeks ago and it made me laugh so much because he is so right. It’s so interesting the things we do on the journey to finding out who we are, what we like and where we belong.
This post has sat in my drafts for over 7 years and I find it so funny reading this back. The way I present myself has always meant the world to me. Whether it be an outfit, a piece of writing or even if it’s someone passing information. I need to be in control of how I am portrayed because everything I do and say is a part of me. It is a part of my soul and for a long time I forgot that.
I don’t know what occurred to make me lose my way but I was really getting somewhere on my journey before I took a left turn and found myself not being able to recognise the man I saw in the mirror.
More than anything in this world, I cherish that God gave me the freedom to do as I please with myself. I am a canvas that I can edit and edit and edit and edit and edit as much as I want to, without it being detrimental to my health of course.
It took editing myself multiple times to know which version of myself my soul resided in. I stopped writing and indulging in things that fed my soul and it eventually slowed me down. I let the world consume me, let my focus slip and before I knew it I found myself in a pit that I wouldn’t wish on my enemies.
Since I took writing seriously in 2015, I was on a mission. A mission to spread this message I know God has sent me to spread. I thought I was still trying to find myself but I was right where I needed to be and sadly I took my foot off the pedal.
I have spent the last 6+ years on that path & it was only really January this year that it all sunk in for me. I have been trying to find my way back to the that previous version of me and I am slowly but surely making my way back.
Sometimes in life you’re right where you need to be, it may seem like things are moving slow but things will move slower if you divert from that path. The truth is you have already experienced what is meant for you in some form during your story so far, you just need to pay attention in finding where your horcruxes are and claim what is rightfully yours.
Don’t resist the fire
You’ve gotta jump in it
If it’s what you desire
See for so long I’ve been contemplating
My attire
How they view me
What I represent
My desires
What do I really want from this life
I try so hard to resist the fire
But I keep getting pulled back into the flames
What is POTS
POTS is my life
That’s why I keep paying for this damn domain even if I don’t write
POTS 