Where do I begin
Grace is defined by Cambridge dictionary as:
- a quality of moving in a smooth, relaxed, and attractive way
- the quality of being pleasantly polite, or a willingness to be fair and honest
- approval or kindness, especially (in the Christian religion) that is freely given by God to all humans
From the definitions given by Cambridge dictionary, grace is auralike thing. It is a way people act and move and it is something that our creator has bestowed upon us and expects us to show others.
My loved ones extend grace to me all the time and if you don’t know what I mean by that, I mean they rarely ever let how I treat them affect how they treat me. I am someone that rarely picks up my phone when it rings, I never expect people to answer my calls but they do. I am someone that finds it difficult to say no to people when they ask for something I am unable to provide but they don’t give me the same energy back when the tables are turned.
From my parents which I am so blessed to have, to my siblings, to my close friends and people that see something in me that I cannot begin to fathom. Obviously I know the light that is in me but I can be ignorant, flaky and many other things but people continue to offer me opportunities. Maybe it’s because they understand that it isn’t personal and that life makes us all behave in different ways or maybe they see this light and want to help where they can to help shine a light on it.
Lately I am finding it hard to extend grace to others.
All through my life I feel like I have always extended grace wherever I could. Whether that is due to my parents making me do things that I really did not want to do because they understood the concept of extending grace, to me then picking it up and applying it in my walk through life. I am someone that understands my light, the power of my presence, I know where my strength lies and I never ask or want anything in return for me doing the things I do because God made me this way for a reason but lately I feel drained.
A friend of mine that had me blocked for a longtime reached out to me to apologise and to mend bridges. At first I was so angry, I used the words ‘yes I do hate you’ and after a couple of days I reached out and apologised. This friend continued to reach out to me and I continued to entertain it to the best of my ability because that anger was still alive in me to an extent. Suddenly this friend stopped, it baffled me but I brushed it off. Months later, this friend reached out again and I asked why they ghosted again and I was told ‘you wasn’t making effort so I left it’ and I said ‘you think a couple of phone calls makes up for what you done?’.
Thinking about it now, who am I to have ever said that? From what place of purity do I reside for those words to ever come out of my mouth?
The Quran says – “and the retribution for an evil act is an evil one like it, but whoever pardons and makes reconciliation – his reward is due from Allah. Indeed, He does not like wrongdoers.” (Quran 42:40)
The Bible says – Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful.” (Colossians 3:12-15)
I honestly believe I filled up my grace tank while growing up and that is why people without knowing extend grace to me. I was raised well and I raised myself well but adulthood is starting to draw me away from my values and morals. I analyse things a lot more now which stops me from being my true self and it doesn’t help that people think that they are smarter than others so therefore think their actions are not being noticed.
I have always found it hard to say no and I often over extend myself to help others, so much that I tap into my connections and lend if need be so I am able to help someone out. These things are stopping me from extending grace because when I look around me I hate that the energy isn’t reciprocated but I need to remember God’s got me.
POTS 