Over the years, from a 9 year old to nearly turning 22 in a few weeks. There’s something that has stood clear about me, that I can see and people that know me can see also.
I don’t like to be alone.
The thing is, I am always alone.
But I am not.
From a 9 year old, a massive part of me has been craving love. It might be from a younger age but my memory don’t go that back. I have been searching, crying, praying, begging for love. Maybe not love, but attention, maybe not attention but someone to be around me.
Someone I could go to when I’m bored, talk to, lean on. It gets to the point where the relationship is no longer healthy but I stay around because I want companionship.
That sounds selfish but it’s true, I can be selfish and so can you, admitting is the first stage to change.
I always tend to look for happiness in others, distraction, something that allows me to look away from the things I have to put into place and then I lead people on.
Then someone comes by and it feels right, you’re not leading them on but you depend on them far too much and then you realise you were wrong about everything. You fall back, you hurt and you can’t understand why such a thing is happening to you.
Karma?
Fuck karma, I hate karma and I am still holding my grudges against you regardless of what I preach but I know now, my energy is far too precious. My words are far too beautiful for you, my time is priceless and I can’t begin to use it to attend to unworthy situations, my mind might still think about you and process things but I know now I have to find happiness in myself.
A friend of mine asked me why I have started to go gym and take it as serious as I do.
My answer was I wanna stunt on everyone that has ever looked down upon me, ever aired my messages, ever mistook my attention and dropped it like it’s nothing.
Gym started off as a thing to do & it grew to be that at some point but my answer now is I am searching deep for myself and my happiness. I am trying to filter things out and make room for things that are important. I am trying to become someone I can be proud of, I am trying to become the person my mum knows I can be.
I am trying to be someone that makes me, myself happy so I don’t have to search for it in others.
I hope you start too.
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This piece has sat in my drafts since 23/5/2017 and I am now turning 26. I was in a dark, angry place at that point and the journey well…
I am now quieter, less expressive, became colder to those I love, I keep burning relationships and writing is hard to do. On my pursuit of happiness over the years, I considered what made me myself as baggage and decided to become somebody else. I made decisions to say less, walk away and if I did not strip away all the things that once made me that guy, it is very diluted now.
I changed myself because I thought it would make me happier, I put together an image and with other life shit, I now embody that. Due to some shit, I decided to filter myself and after living with this version of myself for the past 4 years, it is time for some changes.
My actions lately may prove otherwise but do I still crave love? 10000000000% but the version I created was unable to love. I caught myself watering dead plants in hopes of a reappearance from my old self. I caught myself watering dead plants because the relationship offered me some perks. I’ve been unable to offer what people needed from me but I still kept them around. I held back on sharing & communicating and sometimes attempted to express my feelings with physical expressions when what I first had was my words! I accepted love that I did not deserve because there was some love there & I gave out underserving love because well, the game is the game. Right?
I would like to think I am better at dealing with my emotions but the truth is I don’t do much thinking lately. I think that can be beneficial in this next phase if I have a good balance. Becoming less emotional was a big step for me because it really felt like it was messing with my happiness and now I don’t really feel/think much, it’s been somewhat peaceful in my head but I keep losing people and that goes against the child in me.
The issue has always been that I feel too much and this reality was a coping mechanism. I’ve suppressed so many things lately that I question if I’m really less emotional or I bury things and act like I don’t care or both.
Do I still use people? I catch myself sometimes & pull back but I can do better.
I’m not passionate about a lot of things but the things I am, I love to express! Whether it be through words, clothing, I love showing who I am and what I am but that has been hard to come by.
Even though stripping back is something I am trying to undo, it taught me a lot. I made drastic changes because I didn’t want to feel when instead, I should have fine-tuned certain aspects of me. This pursuit of happiness did not lead to happiness, I don’t fully like this version of me. It led to being content with the minimal, it led to not knowing how I feel, it led to blurred vision but I know myself more than ever before.
This journey really just started.
Hak Gway
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31/3/2020
See these last few years have been a whirlwind
The run in to the decade is enlightening to say the least
I took so many hits
And gave out so many hits
I am not always the victim
But I tell stories with me casted in the role
She’s wondering why this isn’t affecting me
Why she can’t see the emotions and tears pouring out of me
She’s mad I ain’t grieving like she is
Baby, what can I say
I’m broken
I’m tired
Tired and hopeless
See if I think more about my losses
I’d have way more names on my body
I know one day it’ll all hit me
That day isn’t today
And I’ve met those that tried to mend me
Put me together like I was some sort of project
Only to realise I don’t stick around long enough
I keep on running
And they keep on wondering
See when I say its never about you, its about me
Believe me
What you want from me isn’t possible
Takes me forever to finally get my thoughts in order
Get my emotions together
And then
It might be too late
I want to be less of a toxic person
But I am withered
Tori been calling me for like 2 years now
Tryna talk to me about God
I say I’ll pick up, I’ll call back
But I don’t
Wow such strength, trying to keep up with me isn’t easy
See I know what changed me
What turned me to this man I wouldn’t associate with
Recently she’s been reaching out trying to be friendly
I can’t keep no friends
Nevermind you
There’s a long list somewhere of ties I’ve tarnished
Ties that I’ve damaged
Friends I’ve done dirty
Brothers I’ve wronged
Sisters I’ve misled
My conscience bares it all now
I was never oblivious to this
This world is trying to consume me
And that’s a pit I wouldn’t wish on my enemies
I saw myself becoming the person that I am
I just never wanted to change the path that I was on
I couldn’t let go of the pain it caused me
Wish God would just press play
Cause this standstill don’t help
Can’t help but feel like I’m not keeping up
The pain became my truth and I lived with it
Masked it till it blended in
Now it lingers with me
Wherever I go
So I run to keep away from the stench
Q, you’ll end up living a colourless life
Words spoken by a friend
Grey is a colour isn’t it
Don’t know how to delve into my emotions no more
Bottle everything up
Act like everything is perfect when it isn’t
But you know
LIFE IS GOOD!
POTS 