My answer to when people say they like me.
This is how the conversation would typically go..
G – I like you
M – Lol no you don’t, you just think you do
G – wtf yes I do, why do you think I don’t?
M – Well why do you like me?
I find it hard to accept love, like, admiration, whatever you want to call it. I find it hard to accept ones eyes set on me. It is difficult because well they like me more than I like them and once that happens, I feel a sense of responsibility that I am incapable of.
I feel like when someone likes me more than I like them, they have painted this image of me, this version of me that they seem to like so much and decided to pursue me. It is beyond me that someone could see me for me and still want me.
We accept the love we think we deserve – The Perks Of Being A Wallflower
What love do I think I deserve?
It would probably be best for me to go with the love that wants me more but I cannot, not yet anyway. The love I think I deserve and the love I accept are two different things.
Deep down I do think I deserve the type of love that yearns for me more but deep down is hard to reach these days. I cannot accept it because it does not seem pure in my eyes. I accept what I am used to, chasing, showering and hoping they stay by me.
How can you see me and still like me like you do?
How can you see the hypocritically things I do and still want me?
How can you see my demons and still want to be near me?
No, you must be playing me, lying to me, leading me on. I will not fall into your trap.
The thoughts of a stupid troubled boy but still my thoughts regardless and thoughts I still have even though I try so hard to terminate them.
While writing this post, I received a text message that I might as well share.
‘You preach in your blog, but do YOU really live by it? I’m starting to think you are a hypocrite. You say the problem is you, but you are your own worst enemy, stop running away. Maybe you should not be as hard on those who want the best for you, just because of your past…’
What a coincidence right? Well I do not believe in such. Everything is connected at the end of the day. I am my own worst enemy, I knew that already. Maybe I should stop running, maybe I should live by my words more but that’s all in the process I am undergoing.
One day I will accept such love
One day I will accept responsibility
And feel up to the task
I will wake up day after day
And choose to love you
One day I will give your love back
One day I will stop running
One day I will lie naked with someone
Flesh by flesh
Skeleton by skeleton
And not feel scared
I will see your image of me
And I will feel special
I won’t fall from the pedestal you have placed me on
I will grow and aim to be better for you
For me
For us
One day I will trust
And believe in your intentions
But today
Today is not that day
And to those that have felt less than because of my inability to accept admiration. I am deeply sorry, it really is me and not you. Love 🌳💙.
POTS 