I’m scarred
I am scarred and I am only just noticing. It is of no surprise to me to that I am. I mean it has been at least 13 years of me growing, attempting to communicate with others, people I like. It ended with mostly rejections and ‘aww, any girl would lucky to have you’ replies. Even if it is a conversation with someone I am with, it still feels unappreciated.
‘I had beautiful words but girls never listened’ – Wale
Exactly how I feel and now it is catching up to me. If you were to ask me, what is the number one thing you want in a partner. Communication would slam bang be at the top of my list but over these past couple of days. I have grown to see that I am absolutely shocking, terrible, disgraceful at the act of communicating.
If you were to ask me what is one thing I pride myself on, it would be I am a good talker/listener. Well I am finally coming out to say I am not good at talking. I am not good at expressing, I am not good at sharing thoughts, I am not that guy.
I have always been told I speak in riddles. I say little and expect the other person to figure what I mean out and fill in the blanks I have chosen not to fill in myself. I do not provide people around me with clarity and that needs to be amended.
Why am I like this?
It was bothering me and well it is really just how I grew up. From a young age, words meant everything to me. I was able to always express my emotions and I always shared how I felt. After going through stages of people not appreciating what I had to offer, well I stopped sharing important things.
I will say as little to keep us going but you want to talk about matters close to my heart or you want to ask me about a certain piece of writing? Well that is a zone we cannot cross because the guy on that side of the road is not a guy that is willing to entertain such. It is hurting me and maybe not as much, it is hurting people around me.
It feels like I am being suffocated, like I cannot breathe, it feels like parts of me have been separated so I now have to run to gather myself so I can become whole again.
I really cannot describe the feeling, I would rather be anywhere than have to answer questions about myself and situations.
So I ignore questions, pick and choose what to reply to. I change subjects or I just act like I was unaware of the question and attempt to blend it so the person does not ask again.
But what do I do?
Do I come out of my shell again?
Open myself up?
Go back to the guy I was?
Risk it all?
Is it ever worth it?
A part of me wishes I did not waste my beautiful precious words on the people in my past cause then I will be better off. I cannot change my past and I understand that so now I have to grow.
Men who are unable to communicate are bad for you.
People who are unable to communicate are bad for you.
I have to look deep, find the roots and begin to pull it out one by one. Maybe then I will be comfortable once again to share my thoughts and the words I have carefully crafted.
Till then.
And to those that have felt less than because of my inability to share my thoughts and feelings. I am deeply sorry, it really is me and not you. Love 🌳💙.
POTS 