The itch when you feel like you don’t deserve/belong.
- Who am I?
- Who do people think I am?
- What do I wish to accomplish in this life?
- What do I want to be known for?
- Will I die happy & fulfilled?
These are the questions that run through my mind nearly everyday if not everyday.
I know who I am.
I know who people think I am because I know the version of myself I show to them. But I am not who they think I am.
Does that make sense to you?
I am someone people tend to think leadership skills are within me. I sometimes believe the hype but I never show it or cannot show it. I do not think I want to, I am not a fan on the spotlight. I prefer being behind the scenes but the things I do and say, I am expected to be a leader.
A few individuals I know definitely expect me to check up on them more often. Be the guy they thought I was but I am incapable.
I get scared. I run. I hide.
I feel like I am not able to accomplish the tasks I have set for myself and that people have set for me. These tasks are not impossible, these tasks might actually be within my ability but I feel like I am an impostor.
Whenever praise comes my way, I dismiss it. I had a conversation with a friend yesterday and I received praise on my writing. I have ‘talent’ apparently. I looked at the person and said “no I do not, I have seen talent and it is not something I have”.
Whether it is writing or helping people around me with advice and their troubles. Never do I feel like I am the right guy. I feel like a fraud, a person that does not live the life they claim they live.
People tend to think I am academically smart but do my grades match up?
I have a job mentoring young children, the company I work for seems to think I am a great mentor. A mentor that they want to give more responsibility to because I am the ‘lead’ mentor. But to me, I barely get through. I find it hard to stand in front of those kids and mentor them.
Ask me do I lead these mentoring sessions or do I let the other mentor do it while I walk around. Hoping time passes quickly so I do not have to face the fake that I am.
- What am I mentoring them for?
- Me?
- With what skills?
- With what credibility?
Questions I ask myself, I look at myself and wonder how I managed to talk myself into getting the job. I want to help people with the ability people think I have but I feel like I am over-evaluated. Someone that has talked his way into the bar been so high up and I am now struggling to reach it.
Growth, I need to grow. I want to grow into the man I want to be, the man people around me seem to think I am. Hopefully this hiatus will guide me towards the path I should be on.
And more self belief from my side, believing it and then manifesting it.
Do you sometimes feel like an impostor?
Oh and I have got the ball rolling on my target to read more. I purchased The Alchemist & The Celestine Prophecy. I hope they inspire my future posts.
POTS 