Someone very close and special to me recently said to me that it seems I’m on a self destructive path. I’m on the path of trying to rid every good thing in my life or potential good thing and it made me realise, yes. I am a self destructive person.
The reason behind this? I don’t know, what I do know is that I am someone that gets scared. Closeness, attachment and having someone there, the thought scares me. One would say it’s because everyone I ever wanted to keep ended up leaving. So I’ve taken up to myself to do the job before it’s done on me.
I find reasons to argue, to drift, to be distant. I find reasons to ignore and when I’m called out on it, I say sorry then go back to it. I don’t always wish to kick people out but meh. I remember nights of constant arguing, creating situations that didn’t exist. So the person can relocate and my heart can finally breathe. It wasn’t that I didn’t like them, it was that I didn’t want to be consumed wholly by them. And that, that, is the scariest feeling in this world.
Jay once said his Achilles heel is love and to be honest, so is mine. I’ve never even felt love, not that I remember anyway, all I get are these vampires and bloodsuckers. Regardless, it’s something I yearn for but it’s also something that makes me run away. ‘We accept the love we think we deserve’ – The Perks Of Being A Wallflower.
Deep down I think I’m not deserving of something pure. These closets are filled with skeletons and thick webs. I can barely lift these weights on my shoulders, so why should I put them on you?
‘We were all made from love so why are we so afraid to receive it’ – Soft Tortures by P. A. BITEZ (Purchase Book)
Childhood, growing up, witnessing the things around us. It shapes us, it makes us cold, warm, it shapes the way we view things. I was the guy that used to write girls notes and get no reply. I was the guy that cried at dinner. I was the guy that sat in class the day after she said no to me and she walked past me like I wasn’t there. I was the guy that wore my heart on my sleeve and it was ripped off time and time again. I had beautiful words but girls never listened (do they even listen now?) So this fire grew and grew. It burns inside me and all I need is water (you) to help put me out and put a blanket around me and tell me all will be well.
Pushing people away is not always the best option, it’s the easiest one. We want to feel in control, like we own our destiny. We want to feel like we can control the relationship. We don’t want to leave it to the universe. That then means we can get hurt but if we can’t feel the pain, we can’t feel the pleasure either. And that’s a fate I don’t want to subject myself to anymore and you shouldn’t either.
Boys it’s okay to have feelings, girls it’s okay to make the first move. Boys it’s okay to expose yourself to her, girls it’s okay to let him explore you. And if you get turned down, if the person turns around and doesn’t look back, it’s fine. If you scream their name and they don’t answer, it’s fine. You didn’t do anything wrong and when someone else comes around, don’t be scared to live it all over again. The story does not always have the same ending, it’s a different cast this time around so have faith. If your sleeve gets cut off, sew it back on and keep it moving. You deserve the best type of love and please please don’t walk away or push like I have.
i am an anthology, an album, a collection
of poetry, you cannot pick out a few parts
and just analyse me, you need to consume
it all to truly see that every page means something,
a reason for how i am, so please read carefully to
somewhat understand, don’t try to rip out any of the
pages because then I wouldn’t be whole.
I need you to accept me for my beautiful but broken soul – Soft Tortures by P. A. BITEZ (Purchase Book)
Hak Gway
POTS 