Time

This is an extract of a piece I wrote when I was 17 titled ‘Tick Tock’. I wrote that during my A2 ICT exam, I literally got into the exam, looked at the paper and thought I am not made for this. Things have not changed from then, I am pretty much still stuck in the same box.

I am a 20 year old university dropout in some ways that is stuck in a 9-5 job and is dreaming of a better life. Isn’t that most people? Time has slowly been creeping up on me since second year of college started, it was like reality slapped me in the face and I was not up for the challenge. I am not the most sporty or the most creative but I have dreams like we all do but time, time is something I hate. People say time is just a creation by humans and we are actually timeless but I still know I have 24 hours in a day regardless of any philosophical look at it, I still know things are going to go by me if I am not at alert, I know that I do not want to be the boy who could have had it and lost it.

“Time is a concept of mind, without mind there is no concept of time. Annihilate the mind you will go beyond time. You will enter the realm of timeless. You will love the eternal” – Swami Sivananda.

Maybe you could say the picture that young black boys paint of themselves of where they would like to be around this age is far fetched, but nothing is far fetched! People say we want things too young and we should let life show itself. “Oh you’re still young, you still have time. You don’t need a house yet, you don’t need to be driving yet. Just let life unfold, let yourself grow.

The way people might paint their image of me is maybe a preacher or something along those lines but I am still human and I think I am allowed a bit of anger and jealousy to be honest. I look at people my age, for example Joey Bada$$. He is a 20 year old rapper, same age as myself with just a couple of months difference. He is a hugely popular rapper with two if not three solo mixtapes under his belt and one debut album. Yes it is bad to compare myself to people, it could lead to self hate but I cannot help but wonder what it is that I am doing wrong!!!!

I really don’t want to be broke and homeless!!!! I really don’t want to be someone that cannot stand on their own feet!!!! I really don’t want to fall down this slope because it will be very hard to come back up. I look at other popular people that made it around my age and just people around my age that have found their calling and time worked in their advantage, so when is my time? Is this the story that God wrote for me? If so, I hate it.

The journey to the top will make it all worthwhile some say and I firmly believe that but I will appreciate it regardless of how long it takes me lol. Time is ticking, I am getting older in an office job, I am getting older sleeping my life into nothing, I am waking up to nothing and time is constantly ticking in the background. It is constantly mocking me, reminding me of my impending death and I am doing nothing to better myself.

“I was thinking this morning about how IMPORTANT time is. I really deeped it to a level where I just got really depressed so badly like never before, like if you look at the way this world is set up its more like a programme. It’s like a cycle where it’s: birth-nursery, primary, high school, college, uni, job and retirement. This cycle has been about for time now and only a few can say they have drifted away from that routine. Looking at life now, I can honestly say I have wasted soooo much time and I think we all agree? For example, I have a couple of elders doing my course who are pretty much the same age or even older than my parents. When I look at them, they seem to be a lot more focused than the rest of us and from the expression on their faces, you can tell that they are desperate and sad. Sad that they have wasted soooo much time in their lives and only realising it at that age is sooo peak for them because they are practically dead in the next 20 years or so. Myself as an individual I don’t feel like I want to ever find myself in that position, I want to do something that has an impact to this world. I don’t want to waste time, I want to make money…a lot of money I don’t care how, even if I have to become an assassin I will.” – Ralph The Explorer.